A day in the life of an agbero
Agberos don’t lose sleep over the opinions of bus conductors
For those who don’t know, Agberos are an organized gang of motor park touts and street urchins native to Nigerian cities and operating under the banner of the National Union of Road Transport Workers (NURTW).
They are usually found at bus stops imposing levies on commercial buses, cabs and motorcyclists. Failure to comply and they tend to mete out their own brand of jungle justice. Surprisingly, despite the impunity, heartlessness and reckless manner these people go about collecting money from commercial transport workers, they are a registered labor force and have the backing of the police.
The public sees them as hard-heartened, no life having unemployed nuisances desecrating our streets but I figure they are people too, albeit with a unique POV on life which is why I decided to write what I think would be a typical day in the life of an agbero.
Understand that this is purely a work of fiction, a product of my overactive imagination on a cold Friday evening when I’d rather stay at home and mess around with words than go out and crack open a cold one at the local bar.
5:30 a.m. — I wake up to the sound of my phone alarm playing Olamide’s “Wobe”. The song is a perennial favorite, guaranteed to always get me in the work frame of mind. Well that and several shots of Mama Wale’s finest herbal concoction…
5:45 a.m. — I head over to the bathroom. Stare at the mirror for what feels like infinity debating whether or not to shave. I sigh and admit to myself that I’m more effective at work looking unkempt. Appearance is everything in this line of work and unfortunately, looking like a hobo makes it easier to conduct business.
5:55 a.m. — Proceed into the shower. What should have been a quick bath turns out to be a drawn out and painful experience thanks to the bloody bruise (on my head) that I got yesterday from brawling with a danfo driver who refused to drop something for the boys. He won’t be doing that anytime soon. He’s in the hospital now.
6:10 a.m. — Still groggy from the pain, I fire up the remaining Indian hemp from yesterday before stepping it down with a generous amount of gin. Like many of my co-workers, I love my liquor just like I love my football team — Chelsea. I can feel the blues dissipating quickly. I feel ready to tackle the day… and more danfo drivers too if necessary.
6:30 a.m. — Its Tuesday so I’m on the dreaded double shift. I prepare eba for breakfast and warm some leftover soup — I’m going to need all the energy I can get for what promises to be a long morning. I peruse NURTW Weekly while eating and fantasize about making the cover one day.
7:05 a.m. — I don my freshly pressed green and white uniform complete with a green beret. Nigerians say agberos are a menace to the society but how many of them go to work every day wearing the patriotic colors of green and white. I feel purpose flowing through my vein.
7:15 a.m. — I enter my Nissan Micra and on the way to work I stop at the vendor to pick up a copy of today’s Complete Sports. I’m reminded that Chelsea play their first Champions League game of the season later tonight.
7:31 a.m. — Another quick detour to my favorite lotto shop to place some bets. I feel like today is my day then I remember I felt the same way yesterday and every day last week too. I tone down my optimism.
7: 59 a.m. — Arrive at work just at the nick of time. It’s a close shave as the boss man is not one to play with. I wouldn’t put it beneath him to dock me half my commission for the day.
8:30 a.m. — It’s the general assembly and they are handing out employee of the month award. I stare in disgust as Kamoru wins it for the third consecutive month. His reward? A polythene bag full of the finest Oshodi weed and several stickers of Pasuma Wonder. Lucky bastard!
9:00 a.m. — 1:00 p.m. — Join others at the bus-stop and brutally extort the daylight out of bus conductors, keke and okada men alike. I manage to rip off a quite a few side mirrors and wipers than usual too. For a job well done, I reward myself with some of Mama Wale’s finest concoction and some sticks of Benson & Hedges.
1:05 p.m. — It’s lunch break so over to Iya Basirat’s food canteen for a plate of rice and beans. I give Basirat a knowing wink (through what I’m sure are bloodshot eyes) which she returns with a quick smile. I take that as the cue for us to meet at the usual rendezvous later in the evening.
1:45 a.m. — Seeing Basirat roll her plump behind all over her mother buka was quite a treat but it’s robbed me of my game face. Back at work and I track Kamoru down for some dessert. Two and a half blunts later and I start to feel like myself again.
2:05 — 5:00 p.m. — On to the afternoon shift and I pick up right where I left off. A JJC (newbie) yellow taxi driver feels like he knew his rights and tried to duck out of paying the necessary dues. A quick left and right hook combo sends him sprawling to the floor while my co-workers cheer me on. Those Sunday morning boxing lessons with Muri Thunder are finally paying off.
5:40 p.m. — After clocking off duty, I get to the motel to find Basirat waiting already. I order the usual — Alomo, Gulder, some pepper soup and Durex to get proceedings started. I tell her about my disappointment of missing out on employee of the month again. She tells me she has to get back before her mother notices her absence.
8:15 p.m. — Arrive late at the viewing center and Chelsea are losing already. An Arsenal fan felt he could jam talk so I break a bottle on his head. It did nothing to change the score line and we ended up losing the match.
9:50 p.m. — Pick up agege bread and hot akara from Mama Dauda for dinner. Make a detour to score some weed from my local dealer.
10:15 p.m. — Get home, fire up the blunt and stomach some dinner.
10:40 p.m. — Work on CV because the Ambode’s plan to drive agberos out may limit career opportunity.
11:00 p.m. — Listen to Bantu’s ‘Agbero International’ and decompress before bed.
